I don’t have many close friends. The number fluctuates. New ones come in, but most of the time I see the back of them before too long.
I have three friends. It has swelled to five and then shrunk back down to three. The same three friends year after year, but I’m not tired of them. I’ve tried to increase my circle of friends, but it never seems to work out. I often thought there was something wrong with me. I realized that there is nothing wrong with me, but that many people that I attract are toxic.
Toxic people easily latch on to me. I don’t sense their toxicity immediately, it takes a while. Eventually I realize it, but I choose to swim in the cesspool regardless. My go to excuse for not walking away is, “I see the good in him/her.” This isn’t to say that there isn’t good in these people, just that these individuals are not beneficial to my spiritual growth.
I wanted to walk away many times, but I didn’t; I’m a wuss. It is good to know that The Universe takes care of fools – aka, me.
Loneliness played a role. I wanted more friends and I put up with a lot of nonsense in order to keep the peace. I put up with things I didn’t like in their behavior or energy field.
I would think, “I’m never going to have any friends if I find fault all the time.” With all my efforts to keep them as friends, they were eventually removed.
You Get What You Think About Most of the Time
I would often ponder why I am friends with these people. I would try to figure out a way to end the relationship. I had a prepared speech in my head and reasons to back it up, but I never had the nerve. I would think about it all the time. Then the miracle happened; just as I was ready to pull the plug, they pulled it on me.
My constant attention on how to end the relationship brought the end to fruition. I didn’t do anything but think about it in an all consuming fashion.
I did not set out to think about it and have it happen. This was done by default. In this instance, the outcome was desired. We often create our lives by default and receive outcomes that are not what we want. (I will be discussing this in a later post).
It Can Be Hard
It can be hard to know who to let go and when. Family members are especially difficult to let go of. They can be some of the most toxic people in our lives. We may feel that we have no choice but to keep the peace.
“But she’s my mom.”
“I can’t not talk to my sister.”
These are people that we shared our lives with. We’ve lived with these people; cried with these people and have formed memories with them. In the case of our parents, they took care of us. This causes us to feel an obligation toward them.
My mother is one of the most toxic people I’ve ever known. I love her very much, but being in her energy field is draining and disturbed. For years I could not walk away. She sacrificed a great deal to raise me, and she did the best she could with what she knew and she was a good mother. For many years I could not see the dysfunction and it wasn’t until my brother was killed that this dormant dysfunction came into the light.
As an adult, my mother and I would argue and disagree sometimes, but I always gave in and we’d get back on the roller-coaster.
This relationship was all-consuming and I am surprised it took as long as it did for The Universe to say, “All right already!” After a particularly nasty argument, she stopped speaking to me and hasn’t contacted me in years.
Several things happened after this incident:
* I became a happier person
* My finances improved
* Other toxic people fell away at a faster rate
It is often hard to see the toxicity when we are in the relationship. It may take years before we can see that the relationship was harmful. We just have to be willing to look.